A daily dose of impostor syndrome

Snoozing.

Ahh, the age old snooze. I thought I had beaten you!
But perhaps the reason you entangle me once more, is that same reason which you strangled me in the past: Indeed, I did not really want to wake up or look forward to today.

Getting up a few minutes before our daily standup, my brain fog almost overwhelms the feelings of incompetence.
My voice sounds deep and raspy. Are my colleagues feeling the drama going on in my mind?

Alright, we got to make this work.
Working from home has benefits.
I put on a sweet ass Meshuggah album, the one that’s brilliantly grooving in a sea of white noise, epic riffage and makes my musical inspiration nerve receptors immaculately tingle. I guess that could be any of their albums.

Alright, the thing doesn’t work. And I’m here to figure out why.

Will I validate and prove my feelings of incompetence, fear and unworthiness by slacking, being distracted and hiding away from the problem? Again, today?
Or is today the turnaround!

I feel the urge to grab my phone, distract myself, run away.
Yet no! I shall fight like a Buddhist warrior monk!

Wait, where are my thoughts at? I was already developing my plan, right? The Messhuggah album is a great start to put me in any kind of focus state. White noise, epic riffage, musical nerve end tinglings, epic resolutions of the 32 bar lasting polymeters that unleash dopamine hits and trigger motivation and focus centers in my brain.

I shall open the code! And I have no idea where to look!
Wait, yes I do, I asked my dear colleague for a pointer on the standup. I dig a little bit and immediately bathe in overwhelm and non-understanding.
Am I not supposed to understand a slight bit of this code, given that I’ve been working on it for 1.5 years by now?
I doubt the IQ test they took of me as a kid, and feel that I’ve cheated my way to get a degree.
I was so confident in the interviews, where I knew what I wanted: A dear team, awesome developers that lift me up, where I can learn a lot from!
And here I am now, feeling like a worm in a round table of warrior knights, crowned in medals of their achievements.
Would other members in my team feel the same? How to deal with that?

Of course, it’s not all related to work, Of course not! My personal mess seeps into the workspace. I am not a believer whatsoever of the separation of work and personal time. I am the same person in both and both affect each other..

So where I should be looking to regain any form of competence and motivation in my work, is probably not my work.

Oh the Meshuggah song I’m learning on the drums is on. It’s already halfway and I hadn’t noticed it yet.
Though I had been fiercely writing this piece of writing for the last 15 minutes or so. Thus we can all conclude a few things: one being, the problem is indeed not related to concentration; and the second, Meshuggah always works its magic.